I need you to understand

Feathered masks, crazy outfits… everyone is getting dressed up for our Jewish Holiday Purim. This is meant to be a happy time where smiles are shared, jokes are said and comments are made on the family who dressed up as rabbits but for me, this time is like a nightmare that I relive every single year…

The last Purim party I ever went to was Ryan’s because his birthday always landed around Purim. So every year he would have a dress up party or just him and I would put on a stupid hat. Today, the site of a feather mask has turned into a phobia for me in a way. As I write this post crying, I remember that night so clearly.

I wore a flesh top and jeans, I had just sprained my wrist so I had my bandage on and a white feathered mask that had beads coming down the side of it. Was my best mask ever and I loved it so much. Everyone was given a mask and the party took place on a golf course. I sat with a whole bunch of people who were a lot older than me. I sat with his sisters and the people who matriculated in 2011 as well as my soon to be boyfriend who is now my ex. My one best friend was there as well. We danced and sang and had a total jol. My mom came to pick me up in MY school uniform! She looked like a naughty school girl and as I saw her I hid under the bench with Ryan and he just sat and laughed at me as my face became blood shot red! He told my mom where I was and I hit him across the arm. Oh well I said sorry before I left and we parted… 11 months after that he passed away

So I am sorry if I am not cheery tonight and I am sorry if I am not all there but truth is: this time of year hurts like hell and something that I used to love to do is now my nightmare I relive every single year! So yes, I lose my inner clown tonight and yes I am sure I will be able to party on Purim once more but for now, its too sore. I have never said anything like this out loud but I just needed the people who I hold close to my heart to understand where I am coming from and why I have such a thing about someone wearing a mask( physically and emotionally)

Happy 21st for tomorrow Ryan… Love and miss you like mad


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