Today it all ends

Hey guys

Today my mother is wearing my uniform. Last time she wore it, was Ryan’s last birthday party he ever had and today is also the day of his court case.

So today justice will be done! On the 5th of January 2011, My first high school boyfriend/best friend was killed. Today is the last court session whereby they will decide what punishment is best suited for his murderer. Today the long and stressful road ends… Or does it?

As I sit and wait to hear what the judge says, I cannot help but wonder how it is going to feel once it is all over? Will it feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders or will I feel empty? No matter what happens today, it will not change the fact that Ryan is gone. I am not someone who has the best memory. Sure I remember the important things like promises I make and days that changed my life or made me feel like a million bucks but that day I got the first message, I remember as if it was yesterday.

I can tell you the exact spot I read the message, where my body became jelly, the tone in my friend’s sister’s voice, I can even tell you what I was wearing. I remember that day so clearly and yet I cannot remember the rest of the week. Don’t know what happened at his funeral or Prayers. I don’t remember what his room looks like and sometimes on a really bad day, I cannot remember his voice. But then my hands go cold and I will smile. His hands were always cold and in winter, they will be purple and blue. I always used to mock him but he would tell me he is warm blooded so its ok. He was right.

Important things I remember and that’s all that matters right now. So I have no idea how I will feel in a few hours but I do know that whatever happens, is meant to happen and as Ryan would say ‘Shit happens but I smile anyway’ He always made me see the silver lining and I continue to do that because somewhere in that silver lining, he is smiling and watching over me… I found a white feather in my exam paper today. Makes you think doesn’t it?…

Ash
xxx

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