Posts Tagged ‘loss’

New angel in Heaven

It is always hard to pay tribute to people you do not believe needs it. This is one of the hardest posts I have ever had to write.

A week ago, the world lost an earth angel. She was kind, caring, a pure soul and left this year a few decades too early. I spent the last 2 weeks of her life with her making business plans to better both our lives but more importantly, to better the lives of other people. It was one of her best qualities.

She always made sure that other people were happy. In winter, she would buy blankets for homeless people to make sure that they stayed warm and welcomed anyone into her home. Food was her passion. She loved to cook and she was beyond good at it!

I still cannot believe she is gone because she was not ready to go. The night she passed away, she spoke to her daughter and told her that she loves her and that same night, she told me that she was proud of me and that she loved me lots for helping her out with her new business venture.

If I have learnt anything from this devastating crack in the universe, I have learnt how important it is to tell the people that you love how much they mean to you every single night before you go to sleep because we never know… life can change in an instant and not always for the better.

I hope that I can carry out her way of life in terms of helping people and make people happy. I also hope to carry out her business idea one day. When I am ready and make sure that it is everything she wanted and more.

R.I.P Vanessa. I knew you for 20 years and I wish it was more. Thank you for helping me on my journey of helping children with cancer and making my weird and wonderful birthday cakes come to life. I will never forget what an amazing person you were and how much you impacted on my life and my family. Sunday Potjie and tequila will not be the same without you.


Could be the vodka talking or my sad, broken soul

Today, a milestone was taken away from me because people cannot be trusted. Even on paper they seem to promise things they never deliver. Dedicate 3 years of your life to a place and they will stab you in the back the second they get the chance. 

Being burnt so many times kinda makes you carry around a fire blanket or extinguisher. If I didn’t… Could you just imagine how much worse I would be? Never mind 3 degree burns, my soul would be ash and my heart will be hard as stone and cold as ice. 

I always wonder why hurtful things happen to people who try to do their best and be good people and help people along the way. I guess sometimes you just have to focus on you and maybe just maybe someone will come along and look after you for an hour or so… Doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. Nor a job or a friend but a something or someone to take the pain away and show you that it will be ok…

Sob story now over… It is time to make use of my new burn. Show the world that I don’t go down so easily. My heart might be breaking and my eyes might be dry as a desert but my heart is still beating and is still able to drive my body to victory. 

I have been burnt way too many times to trust people whole heartedly. It is time to do something for me and not worry what it will do to other people because end of the day the only thing you ever own is you name!

So own it. Stand up for it. Only you can drive your name forward in a positive light.

Think about it…



A soul lost but not forgotten

It’s hard to talk about how you feel. It’s harder to accept how you feel. Worst of all, how do you figure out how you feel? You need to figure that out before you can accept and begin to deal with how you feel inorder for you to heal. 

2 weeks ago I got a phone call that made my blood turn cold and my skin turn white. It was so unexpected that I did not know how to react let alone cope. 24 year old. He was only 24 and lost the battle with addiction. How can something as small as a little pill be so powerful and life threatening? Small really is powerful. Molecules we can’t see with our naked eye, keeps us alive. So in essence, makes sense how something so small can dictate life…

What do you say to the family? I wish you long life, sorry for your loss, no regrets… How is that comforting? You walk behind this box that contains the family’s prize possession. Almost like the unique diamond that is owned by only one person or a painting without a duplicate. There is only one… Or so there was only one…

After the longest walk of their life, you arrive at a hole in the ground hoping that they don’t fall in or jump in after this precious box. THUMP THUMP THUMP. Your soul sinks into your shoes, tears roll down your face and your heart seems to break into thousands of pieces as you hear the father cry out in pain. Not a dry eye in site as family members confess their regrets out loud… I am sorry I failed you and was not able to help you in your time of need! 

Slowly but surely you walk away and as their cries get softer, your thoughts get louder. Only problem is you have no idea what your thoughts are. Are you happy that he is no longer suffering and having this constant battle in his life or are you sad and horrified by the whole event? How do you come back from this? How do you learn to cope? Are you so angry at the fact that he could be so selfish or was it an accident? These are all just questions… Questions you will never get the answers to. 

Time goes by so slowly and yet seems to fly. The pain takes long to go away however memories and voices seem to fade quickly. It all just does not make sense… How do you feel? How can you put into words your shock and disbelief? People come up and ask you so how you doing and and truth is you have got no idea! Because fact of the matter is you buried someone who meant something to you, and you do not believe that you should have done it in the first place! 

I am 21 years old. I have buried my best friend, and now a brother figure. That’s not right. And how does this all make me feel? When I figure it out I will let y all know. How to you cope and move on from it all? You don’t move on, you don’t forget, you learn to live with the pain and giant gap where he used to stand. 

He is a soul that has been lost but not forgotten. 

Please guys, addiction is a serious problem that can have and does have effects on everyone around you. Get help before it’s too late. It does not make you weak in anyway, makes you strong and brave. Admitting You have a problem and need help is the first step. There will always be people around to love and support you. 

Take what I am saying to heart,


The rose

By: Ashlee Zlotnick

Started off as a little seed
barely breaking through the earth.
As the time passes, stems begin to grow
and soon after permanent roots form.

Seasons change and buds connect.
The summer sun allows flowers to blossom.
Fragrances fill the crisp air
and colours broaden the garden spectrum.

The flower brings in positivety.
Sometimes even looks like it is judging.
It is there to be a home to animals
and a voice of reason for lost souls.

Winter comes and takes it away.
Everything is just sad and morbid
BUT you have a picture of your rose in your mind.
I wish it was forever…frozen in time.

4 years and counting

I still remember standing still, as my ear heard the news. Took awhile for my body to register what I had just heard. My heart dropped, my blood rushed to my feet, my legs went numb and I dropped to my knees. I could not believe what I was hearing. I spoke to him a mere 4 hours before. It could not be true… It shouldn’t be true…

My best friend was killed by a speeding car. He just could not fight any longer and his heart gave in. He is really gone and I sometimes still think that he will jump up from the bushes to scare me or give me a hug from behind… 4 years ago I lost the one person who was always on my side. Even when I got into trouble he was right there next to me getting into more trouble than I was.

Ry, at your funeral, I was fine up until the sand hit your coffin. One hit, that sound went rushing through my body and I dropped and broke down. I should not have buried my best friend when I was 16 years old. That just was not right. I wrote  speech for you at your assembly. I spoke about our last deep conversation and still to this day I stick to our promise. It breaks my heart that I am writing this post because you should be next to me drinking a Spin and listening to Simple Plan. I guess I am going to have to do it for us both.

I do not know if this gets easier but right now, it seems like it does not. Your memory floods my mind and your love still makes me smile. So here we go, a start of another year without you. I specialise this year and you would be done this year as well… So here is to us.

I love you lots Ry




R.I.P Cow Star Lisa




This is not the type of post I enjoy writing at all but this special lady deserves her story to be shared…

I met Lisa Mulley a few years ago. Wow what a presence this woman had. She walked into the room and it automatically got filled with a positive energy. She and her sister Delene became part of the CHOC Cows. Now in order for you to join, you had to be a mad person who is not scared to do anything. At the same time, you raised money for children with cancer either by riding a bike, running or anything else you can do in a cow suit. Yes you heard me, the CHOC Cows do everything in a cow suit and Lisa wore her suit proudly.

I would like to share the first encounter I had with her: The Cows had a Halloween party and my family and I went to help set up. Lisa was sitting on the steps at this country club and was carving pumpkins. She got up, gave us one of her smiles and very welcoming hugs and just started to talk to us. We hit it off instantly and we laughed and decorated all night long. Of course we had a few issues like where to sit the lights and what names to give the pumpkins but we worked it out like all Cows do. The main memory of that night: Lisa looked at my sister Shira and told her that she was like a hula girl. Ever since then, she would call Shira Hula girl.

I watched Lisa and Delene ride off in Cow suits often and I was always happy to see them cross the finish line at the end. They both astonishing people and true inspirations to people that know them.

I am not going to write about the hard times that Lisa faced at the end because I do not believe that is the main object of her life. Lisa was an inspiration to me in more ways than one. She helped me with what dress to wear to my prom, how to do my hair and what lip gloss to use. She also made me realise how important it was to smile at life and be grateful for what and who we have in our lives. Lisa taught me that a little good can go a long way.

I lost touch with the Cows for awhile but my last encounter with Lisa was a few weeks ago. Right before the 94.7 Cycle Challenge. I walked into that room and I could notice her a mile a way. Not only could you hear Lisa, but you could just see her amazing aura shine through the crowd like a golden star surrounded by silver stars.

Lisa will not be forgotten and her lessons in life will live on through the people that love her. My thoughts and prayers go out to her friends and family.
We may have lost a Cow Star but we have gained a Cow Angel

Lots of Love
Ashlee Zlotnick

I miss you

Hey guys

This time of the year is always hard for me as it is the last time I saw Ryan. The last time I ever saw him was New Years eve and we partied into New Years. Now Ryan and I always used to get excited about things 4 months before it happened so we had been talking about this party for a month before it even happened. This time three years ago, we were planning on who will be taking and what we will be drinking and how much and what dance moves we were going to do. We spoke about everything!

The day finally came and I got to his house, my boyfriend at the time took us and then we landed up at this house party. Was the most amazing house I had ever seen! We danced and drank and people were beginning to do all weird stuff so Ryan and I went outside and sat on the front door step, drank a Brutal Fruit and spoke about life and what we were going to do to make the next year a better place. I will never forget that conversation for as long as I live! He made me promise not to hate anyone. We weren’t born to hate, we were taught to hate and no matter what a person does to you, that is not a good enough reason to hate one of G-D’s creations. From that day on, I have kept the promise for both of us. I do not hate anyone! nor do I want to hate anyone. Things happen for a reason, good and bad and Ryan was a firm believer in this.

I write this post with tears in my eyes and love in my heart. Ryan changed my life for the better and even though I only got a short few years with him, he has made a mark in my heart that will never disappear. He made me realize the value of people and how if I believe that one person should be there, they will be. This is a very hard thing for me to write about but I need people to know what an amazing man he was and it is because of him that I have a positive outlook with people.

I don’t really plan things in detail anymore because of what happened to him after. I do plan but not so much and not so in-depth. This is the reason why. Every New Years I try have brutal fruit for us and on the day he died, I drink a spin…

Love you lots Ryan and I really miss you!


2 years already

Hey guys

This post is very hard for me to write. Today 2 years ago, my friend Ryan got killed. 2 drivers were dicing and went through a robot and Ryan went flying in the air and landed on the ground and CPR was done about three times on him before his heart gave in and he died.

They say that time heals all wounds. Well that is total rubbish! I can still feel my body going weak when I got the phone call to say he had died. I remember my face going hot, my muscles giving in and my lips going cold. I remember putting my best friend’s jersey on and that was it, I had gone numb. I was the last friend that Ryan ever saw and that is a true honor. Ryan was the type of person who made people smile regardless of what was going on in their life at that time. I still live out the promise I made him on New Years. He told me I am not allowed to hate anyone because they made me who I am today. So no matter how much a person hurts me, I do not hate them because they taught me some lesson.

Time does not take the pain away. There are still days where I want to call him and tell him what happened to me that day or ask him for help. Ryan was my advice giver, my first high school boyfriend, my best friend and my rock. Because of this, I did Matric for him and me. He did not get the chance to finish school so I did it for us both and I will live my life with him in mind so that he gets to do it as well.

I take one day at a time. Some days are good and others I wish I could just stare into his big blue eyes whilst he tell me everything is going to be ok and I must just hang in there. My thoughts are with his parents and sister today. Love you guys

Love you lots Ryan and miss you tons bro. RIP


Goodbye poetry

By: Ashlee Zlotnick

My back’s sore.
My shoulder hurts more.
My head wants to explode
because I’m in overload!

My heart is numb.
I cannot begin to sum
up the thought of it’s over
and I never have to look at Dover

Beach was the one poem
another was about some kid at home.
Turns out it is time to say goodbye
to learning poetry for now…sigh

Young,brave lion

By: Ashlee Zlotnick

Staring out the window,
I remember a memory so clear.
I knew exactly what I wanted.
I knew who I was and my career.

I was a friend.
Someone’s lover and a mentor.
I was an older sister
and I hope not a bore.

5 years later
I am still a sister and friend
but now I need to rely on your memories
to help me get through what’s around the bend.

As I continue with life
I carry you in my heart.
Whether I’ at school,dancing
or putting your favourite chocolate in the cart.

I hope you are looking down at me
because often I look up at you Ryan.
You always used to protect me…
Time to fend for myself. R.I.P my young, brave lion.

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