Posts Tagged ‘lost’

The rose

By: Ashlee Zlotnick

Started off as a little seed
barely breaking through the earth.
As the time passes, stems begin to grow
and soon after permanent roots form.

Seasons change and buds connect.
The summer sun allows flowers to blossom.
Fragrances fill the crisp air
and colours broaden the garden spectrum.

The flower brings in positivety.
Sometimes even looks like it is judging.
It is there to be a home to animals
and a voice of reason for lost souls.

Winter comes and takes it away.
Everything is just sad and morbid
BUT you have a picture of your rose in your mind.
I wish it was forever…frozen in time.



good evening everyone. Long time I know…

Great thoughts always branch off from someone once told me… So I think it’s time I share a thought that someone once told me

The greatest fear you will ever have is feeling completely safe with someone… Now how is that your greatest fear? Feeling safe with someone should not be a fear but should be something we cherish and is greatful for… Or am I wrong?

Turns out I am wrong. My biggest fear is being so happy and comfortable with someone else. What happens if that person leaves? Realizes you not all that and one day just goes and never comes back? This person doesn’t have to be a boyfriend or girlfriend. Can be a sister, brother, best friend…

We cannot let our fear of losing someone get the best of us because if we do then we will be stuck living our nightmare… A life without our rock or safety net.

Don’t let your fear of Being happy and safe ruin your happiness. Enjoy and cherish what you have because  you will regret it if you let go

Today it all ends

Hey guys

Today my mother is wearing my uniform. Last time she wore it, was Ryan’s last birthday party he ever had and today is also the day of his court case.

So today justice will be done! On the 5th of January 2011, My first high school boyfriend/best friend was killed. Today is the last court session whereby they will decide what punishment is best suited for his murderer. Today the long and stressful road ends… Or does it?

As I sit and wait to hear what the judge says, I cannot help but wonder how it is going to feel once it is all over? Will it feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders or will I feel empty? No matter what happens today, it will not change the fact that Ryan is gone. I am not someone who has the best memory. Sure I remember the important things like promises I make and days that changed my life or made me feel like a million bucks but that day I got the first message, I remember as if it was yesterday.

I can tell you the exact spot I read the message, where my body became jelly, the tone in my friend’s sister’s voice, I can even tell you what I was wearing. I remember that day so clearly and yet I cannot remember the rest of the week. Don’t know what happened at his funeral or Prayers. I don’t remember what his room looks like and sometimes on a really bad day, I cannot remember his voice. But then my hands go cold and I will smile. His hands were always cold and in winter, they will be purple and blue. I always used to mock him but he would tell me he is warm blooded so its ok. He was right.

Important things I remember and that’s all that matters right now. So I have no idea how I will feel in a few hours but I do know that whatever happens, is meant to happen and as Ryan would say ‘Shit happens but I smile anyway’ He always made me see the silver lining and I continue to do that because somewhere in that silver lining, he is smiling and watching over me… I found a white feather in my exam paper today. Makes you think doesn’t it?…


You can forgive but never forget

Hello viewers

It has been a very long time since we last spoke but don’t worry I am here to update you on the latest issues in my life…

I have come to realise that one I consider someone my sister, it is very hard for me to let go of that person even if it is the right thing for me to do. Truth is, I cannot give up on anyone that has made their way into my heart no matter how much they have hurt me. I have always been the type of person to forgive and see the good in people even if it is the smallest thing such as they love animals but are bullies, or they have ripped my heart in two but they once made me smile. I have a feeling I am about to learn a lesson the hard way…

See I have many siblings. 2 biological ones, a sister who I call Shmoobear and a brother who is Samalee. They are always there for me and yes they drive me mad but I love them so much and would do anything for them. I have twin older sisters who I consider blood, I have another older sister who was there for me when I had my car crash, and another little sister who I call lil sis and she is my other half! She is one of the most amazing people put on this earth and I thank G-D for her every single day. Right so that is my happy family of mine. I have another person in my life who is an older sister to me but has not been there for me the way the others have.

I am all for turning over a new leaf and second chances but how many second chances are there? I have tried so many times and I keep on getting burnt by her. We make arrangements, she doesn’t come and then blames me for not talking to her or being there for her. What am I meant to do? I can only put my hand out but it is up to her to grab on. I may be strong and I may be able to help people out with pretty much anything as long as I put my mind to it but for some reason, I cannot get through to her and I cannot see into her mind anymore. That is what scares me the most. I used to be able to know her inner most thoughts but now I don’t and I am not sure how to get back there. I feel like I am lost at sea and as the sharks circle me, I cannot find a way out…

I know I will and I know what is meant to happen will happen but right now I feel as if I am letting our past get in the way. I forgive everything that happened but I cannot forget.



I don’t Want To Go Back

By:Ashlee Zlotnick

I don’t want to go back

and remember the day…

The day in which

you were taken away.

I got out the car

and walked up the stairs.

They brought your body out

my body just could not bare.

You were in a little box

and we gathered around you

as if we were watching ships in a dock.

It was now time,

we said a prayer

and off we went.

A noise made, you would not dare!

They placed you in the ground.

The noise the sand made

as it was shoveled,I’ll never forget.

To think that people got paid

to make a young person’s grave.

Now I have to go back

and stand before you again.

This time I have to watch them unpack

a stone with your name on it.

I don’t want to go back

and remember the day…

The day in which

you were taken away.

But none the less I have to go.

I’ll try my best to be brave.

There is nothing I can do

to control my emotions because I’m their slave.


Mysterious Wheel

By:Ashlee Zlotnick


The sun used to shine.

Now it hides behind a cloud.

My life used to be in line,

but now it’s chaos, thoughts so loud.


You used to put life in place.

Your smile, brightened up my day.

I can bearly tie my shoe lace.

Wish I could mould you out of clay.


But it wont be the same.

I’m tired of crying over it.

I feel so out of the game.

My life is degrading in a pit.


I know I will heal.

But for now, I’m hurt.

Life is like a mysterious wheel,

which sometimes roles in dirt.

3 Months After

By:Ashlee Zlotnick

The pain will never ease

but you will soon see,

that you will smile again

and he will always be on your brain.


I walk past the wall

and my tears begin to fall.

I stroll past the tree

and I recall you and me.


5 years I knew you for.

Oh how I wish it was more.

Never the less it was great.

You were the most amazing mate.


I’ll never forget you or what you said.

I think about you every night before I turn in for bed.

You will forever live on in my heart.

To an extent we will never be apart.


It’s 3 months after you died today

and I just want to run away!

This place is filled of memories,

of the time you spent with me.


by:Ashlee Zlotnick

I looked outside the window,

and saw a sky so blue.

It made me soon realise,

just how much I miss you.

Your eyes used to dance when you laughed.

your smile always filled with joy.

Your voice always had an essance of life.

All in all, you were a very special boy.

I’m scared I’m going to forget your voice.

or winderful advice you once gave me.

I’m worried that I’ll forget how you look.

I’m scared your memories are going to leave.

But then I come to realise.

This will never be.

You made too big of an impact,

on my life and me.

So when I need your help,

I am going to think of you.

I know I might not find an answer

but I know your memory will help me figure out what to do.

Happy Birthday

By:Ashlee Zlotnick

Today you were meant to be the birthday boy,

but you are no longer with us today.

Your family and friends celebrate without you, owy.

Where ever you are, your birthday is underway.


19 is the age you were meant to be.

Your sister was supposed to bake you a cake.

Opening up presents from your family and me.

That birthday smile, I will never be able to remake.


On Saturday we would have had a party,

with all your loved ones there.

Your personality would be joys like Smarties.

I wonder what time it would have been and where.


Today should be a happy one.

Instead I feel a bit sad.

However when I look up, I see the sun,

and I know you smiling so I’m glad.