Posts Tagged ‘moving on’

Scrambled eggs… as thoughts

Hello all my gorgeous viewers and welcome to the amazing world called my brain…

Ok, so it is not that amazing but hey, I got your attention. Right time to get down to business… I finish my diploma in 2 weeks. I cannot really say that out loud because my household or close people don’t really seem to want to talk about it. They try to, they will bring up next year or what am I going to do to celebrate but no-one really seems to want to talk about the now. How am I feeling now, what am I going to do now? The answer… I have no idea.

Next: You know that allowing little green thing that pops into your life every once in awhile at the most annoying times? The time whereby you really do not need him. Yes we all know that hated feeling called jealousy. Not much to say really except for the fact that when you tend to feel insecure about something, the green monster shines brighter than the Nelson Mandela bridge. It is as if he has been practicing his whole life for this one moment… “Ok I am ready… To make life complicated and moments horrible and awkward” That is exactly what it feels like. And then loan-behold you are stuck in this moment trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings but the truth of the matter is, you are sick and tired of having to share what is yours. Barney isn’t always right… surely?

Ladies and gentleman my solution to all this… drown myself is work. Always fixes stuff for me. Just focus on something else. The art of distraction as they say… But truth of it all, you cannot keep running. Sometimes you need to face this green monster and allow your own inner monster to shine even brighter… So no more running or trying to hide…

I am finishing in 2 weeks and I am scared as hell however I have worked really hard the past 3 years and I deserve to be finished. I feel proud and like I have conquered this giant hill called college. Moving on to bigger and better things…

Hope you all have an amazing week filled with accomplishments and life changing thoughts.

Ash

xxx

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Things change

So this is my blog post about accepting my new life…

Right here we go: 13 years ago I went to nursery school. Was one of the scariest days of my life. I had to let go of my mommy’s hand and fend for myself in the evil world of socialising and making my own friends. I was not alone though… just as I was trying to hide in the tree house, a little girl was trying to hide too. So we hid and was anti-social together. Soon after that we had our first play date and soon after that we spent every day together.

I was there when her siblings were born and when her brother was rushed to hospital because he cut his head open on a fireman’s pole. Was funny after I wont lie but during we were both scared because they were my siblings too and there was blood everywhere and wasn’t a very pretty site.

We went through school together. Junior school was interesting. Our school was a bit bigger but we still found time for our stuff. When we were in a naughty mood, we would go behind the forbidden wall and tell each other secrets. She was the first person I turned to in my time of need or when something happened. She was there when my Pa died and was one of my only friends who knew him. Mind you, she was one of the only ones he liked.

Moving on… Primary school came and we lost touch for about a month or two. Was horrible. I thought I lost my best friend but then she came back and we were inseparable again. I went through a stage in my life that I kept from her because I knew how she would feel about it. She knew the real me and believed in me. We lost touch again because I began to get in too deep and she became unknown to me. I couldn’t read her and that scared me a lot but I stayed in touch with her mom and made sure she was ok and when she was sick I would show up with a pizza or card or just be there for her.

High school came along and we became friends again and then back to best friends. With us, we always used to go back to where we left off. It is as if we were never apart. Felt good to have her back in my life and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t lose her as a friend again because it was too painful. Up until this point, we never ever missed a birthday party of each others. One year I was violently ill but I still went to my party because I couldn’t break that tradition. I slept most of the party but that is not the point.

We had our morning rituals and still told secrets except now they were about boys instead of silk worms and dreams and goals instead of what’s for lunch. We used to sit in my room and just talk about everything and when she was going through a hard time or in hospital I was the one who was there! With my pizza and lame jokes to try make her laugh. Grade 11 and 12 we were in the same class for a subject and she designed my tattoo and we spoke about what comes after school and how we were going to keep us going. Sounded like hard work but I thought it was worth it.

December came and my lil sis wasn’t here but my BFF was. When I had a full on freak out, she was there freaking out with me to make me feel better… Then Dec came and went and she went away and when she got back, we fell apart. Plain and simple. I tried to put our plan into action but never worked and here I am, 9 nearly 10 months out of school and we missed each other’s birthdays. Not even a year has gone by and she missed mine and I have no idea if I have missed hers. Sad hey? To think that a 13 year relationship can crumble just because of location and a little bit of thought and effort is needed to stay afloat.

See this is when society and me don’t get along… Surely if someone means a lot to you, you will put in some effort and try make it work. It is not easy trust me and I know that sometimes you feel like you losing it and you tired but a few months ago, that person was your best friend and now what is she? Your ex best friend? Doesn’t work for me. If you don’t want the friendship, fine but you need to say so. You need to explain why you so bloody lazy and cannot pick up the phone once a week to ask how are you? Want to have coffee sometime… See it is not so hard. You just need to put in some effort! Technology has made our lives easy. You can BBM someone very quickly and easily or Whatsapp them. No effort needed just 5 seconds to send a message.

After some time, a person’s hand is going to get tired of waiting for you to grab it and they will eventually stop waiting… So here is my advice for all of you: Call your best friend once in a while. Let them know that you care and that they mean something to you. We all have feelings and we all need a hug every now and again so share the love guys. Friends are there when you can’t turn to your family and often your friends are your family.

I can’t say that you all are going to stay friends forever but I can tell you that effort and letting them know how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate them, will make them keep their arm out a little bit longer when you let go for whatever reason. Some of us will never let go…

Ash
xxx

Mom in school uniform and I am all grown up…

Hey guys

Been awhile I know and I am sorry but truth is I just have not had the brain to write lately. I am not sure why. I guess I just have not had the inspiration to write or the courage to show myself how I was or am really feeling.

About five minutes ago my mother came to me and asked me for my school uniform because they are all going to work in school uniforms. My heart got flooded with about a thousand emotions. I have not warn my school uniform since the last exam I wrote in school uniform which was the 21st of November 2012. HOW SCARY IS THAT???? Anyway back to my heart. The thought of her in my uniform and me not in it is actually making me sad. I hung up my uniform last year and I have now got a new one which I will be wearing for the rest of my life. Well the style of it anyway. So as I place my matric jersey on, I get flooded with memories. stories, tears I shared, tears I caused and of course my roots. Took me 12 years to get that jersey and it took forever to get it but was taken from me quickly. I now see the new matrics in their jerseys and I cannot help but smile because I know what it feels like to wear it. Gives you a sense of pride and achievement. So for the first time this year my uniform will be warn tomorrow but not by me…

College is very hard at the moment. I am loving it very much and the challenge is fun but I guess I am just missing being little. I miss my school friends chilling by our table, laughing or walking around in a circle for no reason. I miss my Friday songs that we would write and picking flowers to rip apart in front of my little sister. I miss her hugs every morning and her smile when I am down. I spoke to an old class mate today. She was saying how weird it is not being in each other’s pockets and knowing every little detail. She said something that we just need to get used to this new life of ours and deal with the loss of some friendships. I don’t talk to most people from my school year and when I see them in a shop, we talk as if we never left. And then it hits me

No matter how much time my grade spends apart, we will always be Matric 2012! We will always have a tie to each other and we can still talk as if we were back in the same class. Truth of the matter is no matter how far apart we are or how old we get, we will always have the same roots and always be a Davidian. I am now just adding on to who I am. I am a health and skin care specialist in training and loving every moment. Still have the clicks in college and the bitches and nerds. I still love to party and I am still the person everyone turns to when they need a quick answer or someone to listen to them. Difference is: Instead of me hugging my sister in the morning, I bbm her and sit in my car whilst listening to our Torch. People know not to bug me in the morning when I am in my car because it is my time with my sister. I don’t get to see my school friends as much anymore but we get together as often as possible and we get to catch up and learn new things and get to hear how their lives are. When I am with them, feels like we still in school because we can still talk rubbish and they all comment the same way that they used to.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the paths I have chosen and how they have effected my life. I have been saying the what if’s and if I chose this instead of that where would I be right now? Truth is I would not change a thing! I am a big sister to three amazing little siblings and they will always be little in my eyes. The paths I have chosen have allowed me to advise them on the do’s and don’ts because I have been down the wrong path and I have given into peer pressure and so on. I do not regret anything in my life and I know I can only get stronger.

So as my mom get’s into my school uniform, I will be getting into my college uniform and as weird and sad as it is, at least the uniform that got me through hell and gave me my sister, it can have one last journey.

Ash
xxx

Worst Nightmare

By:Ashlee Zlotnick

I felt like I was slipping into a black hole
as I sat and read your shocking comments.
My jaw started to drop and
my heart began to sink, as I read on.

Do you know who you are talking to
and how you have made me feel?
Do you have any idea what you have done to me
and how I am not sure how to move on?

I am still a little girl
with clearly a lot to learn.
I wanted to do something out of the goodness of my heart
but now I am not so sure.

You shut me down
before I could speak.
You accuse me of things
without even knowing who I am.

It’s time for me to explain who I am
and then you can judge me and make comments.
I am the type of person who puts others before me
and only after they ok, I’ll worry about me.

I am a shoulder to cry on
and I’ll try my best to fix it.
I am a generous,kind-hearted, loving girl
but now I am your worst nightmare!!!

Life is a challenge, meet it

By:Ashlee Zlotnick

Every day each and every one of us is faced with a challenge. Whether it is what shoes to wear or how to deal with a break up, in that moment it seems like that challenge is the biggest one out there. But the truth is, it is not. Children our age and younger are faced with a challenge they are unable to tell if they are going to overcome it or end up losing. Life challenges aren’t supposed to paralyze you, they supposed to help you discover who you are and these people understand that better than most. I am talking about children who have a life threatening illness or a disability.

Everyday more and more children are being diagnosed with illnesses such as cancer, HIV/AIDS, TB and many more. These are challenges that are unpredictable and that is what makes their lives so precious to them. They wake up in the morning and are so grateful that they can see, walk, talk and the mere fact that they are alive is a total miracle to them. Some of them go through hell every second of every day and yet they either have a smile on their face or they are laughing. Their problems make our problems seem like nothing but however it isn’t nothing to us. Every problem is a big deal to you, to others it may seem like nothing. A challenge is still a challenge.

Fighting cancer with Chemo and radiation is not only hard physically but it also takes a huge strain on you emotionally. For a boy it is not such a major problem to lose your hair but for a girl it is a very intense matter to accept. However now days we have things such as wigs and hair re-growth treatments to solve this problem. Yes the hair loss is a temporary thing but in those few months, you feel as if your whole world has collapsed on you. You feel the same way when your boyfriend has just left you or you got a D for an assignment you worked so hard at. They say every problem has a solution it is just a matter of finding the right one.

Truth is that guy wasn’t the right one for you but one day you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and that grade made you work even harder at school thus giving you better grades to get into the career you have always wanted. Life is not like a ballroom competition. At a competition, none of the couples collide with each other and it looks perfect. The reality is, they have been practicing for ages, and they once did collide but they learnt from their mistakes and moved on. By us being faced with challenges whether small or big, we learn from them and we pick ourselves up from it and carry on. Life can never- not have collisions but in one or two aspects of life, it is a perfect ballroom dance.

Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.

By us accepting the life challenge and dealing with it will make us realise that it needs to be solved. Once you find the perfect shoe to make your outfit or the doctor telling you in remission or finding prince charming, you will soon realise that those challenges was all part of getting you onto the right path.

A Step Forward

‘Sir I don’t understand. You tell me that you love my writing but you are not willing to publish it, why?’

‘Ashlee, you are an amazing writer and you have a lot of potential but your writing is not what I usually support and publish. I am so sorry but not this time.’ Mr. Kruger is the editor and chief of this huge publishing agency in my area and I was hoping he would give me my big break but I guess not. That is the seventh person this week alone that has turned me down. I am beginning to think that either I can’t write or my breath stinks but either way I am getting nowhere fast and I am going to give up soon.

Hi Ashlee, I got your number from your gran. She said you were interested in trying to write a song for us? So if you could try to write a song about friends going out and having fun/like a girl’s night out…if we can use it we will buy the song from you. Thanks, Tammy’ My gran did mention something to me the other day but I never thought she was being serious.

‘Gran, I just got a sms from a girl by the name if Tammy, she asked me to write a song. Know anything about this?’ I could hear her smile on the phone. My gran is very proud of me and I know she would do anything to try and get my writing out there in any form possible.

‘Hello my doll. Yes I told Tammy that you are an amazing writer and that you can write anything. Her twin sister, Stacey, and herself are a duet and are looking for original songs to write. The second I heard this I knew I had to tell her about your writing and give her your details. I hope you don’t mind my doll but you are an astonishing writer and you deserve to get recognized for your talent.’ How can I be upset with her? All she is trying to do is help me. I owe it to her to try don’t I?

I would love to write a song for you guys. Thank you so much for the opportunity. Ashlee’ I felt no pressure at all. Everything in life happens for a reason and there has to be a reason why this is happening to me now. I don’t know Tammy from a bar of soap but my gran has told me she is a lovely girl.  I sat down, in front of my computer and wrote. The words just flowed as I thought about a typical night out with my friends. I captured the fun we have together and how when I am with my friends I only smile and have the time of my life.

Hi. It sounds cool. I will pass it on to my producer and let you know. I would love to read your other stuff. Mwa.’ I read her email about five times just to see if what I read was true. She asked to read my other stuff and she told me she liked my song. She is the first person who has not turned me down in a long time. Could this be my big break I was been looking for? There is only one way to find out… I would have to write her more songs and try get to know her so that I could write things that appealed to her. My life was finally going in a direction I liked and it was as if I got high on confidence. I loved this feeling and I had to get more. The more I wrote and the more she began to like my writing, the more I wrote. My blog was finally getting viewers and my writing was getting somewhere. I took a step back and realised that even if she doesn’t use my songs, I would be ok because I made a new friend.

Hello Ashlee. My name is Belinda and I heard that you write beautifully. I was wondering if you could help me write something to place on my cousin’s tomb stone. He died in the line of duty and I want you to capture that aspect. Thanks so much.’ This was beginning to get a bit weird. First I was asked to write a song and now a saying to place on a tomb stone. I felt honored that I was asked to honor a man that took a bullet for our country.

‘ you were the sunshine in our lives

You were the hero in our eyes

Andrie was a man who lived for his family

Andrie was a man who died for his country’

She read what I wrote and began to cry.  I thought it was bad but Tammy told that it was beautiful and it is very difficult to make Berlinda cry, so I did a good job. At this point Tammy and I have yet to meet but I was getting to enjoy this girl more and more. It is very hard to find someone who has the same morals as you do. She understands me. Stacey and I soon started to talk and get to know each other as well. Talking to them both at different times is like talking to the same person. They are so similar it is astonishing. This just shows how close they really are.

This story just shows people that in order for you to pursue your dreams and aspirations, you have to move on from all the negative comments and learn from them. After taking so many bad reviews I was willing to give up but I didn’t and now not only am I writing, which I love to do, I have also made the most amazing friends and confidants. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to want to move on and reach your dreams no matter who gets in the way, you can always find a detour route to get there.

Moving On In Life

Four years ago I stood before you as a stranger. A few months later I stood before you as a best friend and towards the end, I stood before you as a soul mate. Today I stand before your coffin and your family as a griever.

‘Ash, I am not sure how to tell you this but Ryan died this morning…’ my heart stopped, hands shook and my eyes started to cry. I went into shock straight away and my body turned into jelly. It felt like I went from a lovely dream at Monti Casino to my worst nightmare. ‘Camilla; that cannot be right. I was with him four days ago and he was fine. You are lying!’ my voice was shaking and I could not get all my words out. I put the phone down and called his family hoping to hear Ryan pick up the phone, ‘Please tell me what I have just heard is not true. Tell me he is not gone. TELL ME!’ there was a pause on the phone and I knew it was true. ‘Ash, Ryan was run over this morning. He was crossing the road and got knocked over. Rachel called the ambulance and by the time they got there he was in a critical condition. He had broken every bone in his body on impact but he was still alive. They rushed him to the hospital but had to resuscitate him a couple of times in the ambulance. When they got to the hospital, it was too late, he was gone. I am so sorry but I have to go. I will keep you updated about the funeral plans as soon as I know anything.’ My world came to an end. What was I going to do without my best friend? He had a very hard life. He survived seven open heart surgeries, a back problem and he was taken away from us in such a brutal, inhumane way, culpable homicide. Rage took over my body and emotions thus causing me to exploded like a volcano. I could not feel anything but anger and I thought this is how the rest of my life was going to be like.

 ‘Dear friends and relatives. It saddens me to say that my dearest brother, Ryan, was killed this morning in a car accident. His funeral will be on Friday at 11 am. I hope to see you all there.  Regards: Rachel and family.’  To go or not to go, this was the question that was stuck in my head for two days solid.

‘I have never gone to a funeral before. My first one I go to should not be an eighteen year old friend of mine. I understand that life is unpredictable but this goes beyond that. This is the type of story you hear in the news papers and never think that it will happen to you let alone your best friend. This is just damn wrong.’

‘I understand where you are coming from my angel. Funerals are not easy but this one for your first funeral is going to be unbearable. You must do what makes you feel comfortable and what you want to do. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to. Ryan would understand that where you are coming from and he knows that you are there for him whether you go or not. To watch an older person gets buried is hard but watching a young boy, a son of a living mother, it is indescribable.’ My Oumie always knows what to say to me. She carried on telling me how the funeral works and the sequence it goes in but I zoned out. I thought about Ryan and all the times we spent together. He was always a positive person and looked on the brighter side of life.

‘Oumie, Ryan would want me to go to his funeral. I know that he knew I was always there for him and always will be but he would want me to see that he is at peace and that he is fine. As scared as I am, I need to go to get a sense of closure.’ And that is exactly what I did. I called a friend of mine and we decided to go together. Every night before the funeral I had nightmares. I saw Ryan and his sister walking across the road. He had one of his permanent smiles on his face, one of the things I loved the most about him. They started to walk and I heard the cars starting to rev their engines. One, two, three and the drivers took their foot off the break and went forward without looking in front of them. I heard Ryan screaming Rachel’s name and as she turned around she heard a thump and saw her baby brother flying through the air. He landed like an egg cracking into the pan and just like the yoke breaks sometimes, his body breaks open and his blood was everywhere and then I wake up. I had this dream for three days in a row and before I knew it Friday arrived.

Driving in the car I tried to calm myself down and kept telling myself to breath. I pictured Ryan holding my hand and telling me that everything is going to be ok and flash me one of his big smiles. I was hoping that we would get there and this would all be one big joke and he would pop up from behind a tree and say, ‘got yah,’ but he didn’t. Instead we drove into the cemetery and saw the family and friends with a loved one in one hand for support and tissues for their tears in another. I took one breath ad opened the car door.

‘Ash give me your hand and I promise I will not let go until we get back into this car.’  Kayla is more than a friend to me, she is like my sister. I would not have been able to go without her.

‘Kay, what would I do without you?’ I took her hand and held it tight. We walked up the stair into a hall. On the walls was names of people that had died and their loved ones contributed money to the cemetery in their name. As I looked to my right I saw the room where they kept the coffin before the ceremony. I tried not to freak out; Kayla held my hand even tighter and mentioned that I have to breathe.

‘Ladies and Gentleman, may I please have your attention.  Will you all be so kind as to make a path way between yourselves so that we can bring the coffin in.’ they opened the wooden doors and I heard the sound of the wheels rolling on the floor. I tried but I couldn’t look at the coffin. The thought of him being in a small wooden box freaked me out a lot. I felt the first tear fall from me eye, roll down my cheek and I knew it would not be the last. We walked with the coffin to the grave site and I watched them place him into the ground and cover him up with sand. That noise I will never forget.

So I am standing here today in front of a tree we planted for Ryan. It has been a month since he has been gone and I never thought I would move on however standing here I feel a warm breeze over my shoulder and I know I will be ok.  He is looking out for me from above and he is always with me in my heart. Life does go on, and we all move on from events in our lives. We understand that it is ok for us to laugh again and it is ok to cry as well. A loss in one’s life is something that one will never forget but we learn to live with the pain and move on in life.

A Dove

 

By: Ashlee Zlotnick

When a person dies it hits you hard.

You feel like you have been thrown a million yards.

it’s such a shock to a human .

to know you will never see your loved one again.

All death does is bring pain.

It makes one question if there is someone above.

If you question him just look at a dove.

A dove is a symbol of peace right?

It will help you see the light.

Death is a hard concept to grasp,

and unfortunately the pain lasts.

G-D felt that person had too much to bear

Just remember they are looked after there!