Posts Tagged ‘numb’

Now what

Have you guys ever been hit with a rock so big that you have no idea how you feel? You know that feeling when you run into the garage door, fall on the floor and you start to laugh before you cry because your body is just so numb? Or how about when you are just so angry you don’t care? Welcome to my world…

I have been faced with one of my biggest relationship challenges I think I have ever been faced. There are just so many people to consider that I have got no idea how to move forward from here. And my best part, when I think I am ready to move on… The rock comes back to hit me with even more force.

My puzzle that used to be my life, a perfect picture with a few spaces between them has now turned into a mess on the floor and I want to just walk away. But I can’t… why… because I am not the only one to consider. There are other people being effected by this rock. People who used to love this rock but right now, all I see is the mold.

I guess once you hurt me to a point, I break. I am strong but right now I am far from it. I am injured and torn and just in pieces and I am not sure what my glue is… For those of you know read my work often will know about my broken plate idea. (Go look in my theories section for the broken plate) So I do not think that right now there is a way to fix my plate right now and this is scaring me a lot.

So now what…

2 years already

Hey guys

This post is very hard for me to write. Today 2 years ago, my friend Ryan got killed. 2 drivers were dicing and went through a robot and Ryan went flying in the air and landed on the ground and CPR was done about three times on him before his heart gave in and he died.

They say that time heals all wounds. Well that is total rubbish! I can still feel my body going weak when I got the phone call to say he had died. I remember my face going hot, my muscles giving in and my lips going cold. I remember putting my best friend’s jersey on and that was it, I had gone numb. I was the last friend that Ryan ever saw and that is a true honor. Ryan was the type of person who made people smile regardless of what was going on in their life at that time. I still live out the promise I made him on New Years. He told me I am not allowed to hate anyone because they made me who I am today. So no matter how much a person hurts me, I do not hate them because they taught me some lesson.

Time does not take the pain away. There are still days where I want to call him and tell him what happened to me that day or ask him for help. Ryan was my advice giver, my first high school boyfriend, my best friend and my rock. Because of this, I did Matric for him and me. He did not get the chance to finish school so I did it for us both and I will live my life with him in mind so that he gets to do it as well.

I take one day at a time. Some days are good and others I wish I could just stare into his big blue eyes whilst he tell me everything is going to be ok and I must just hang in there. My thoughts are with his parents and sister today. Love you guys

Love you lots Ryan and miss you tons bro. RIP

Ash
xxx