Posts Tagged ‘Ryan Lang’

Dear Ryan

Hey Ry

I know I have not written to you in a very long time. Truth is life right now is a bit of a rush and I just don’t feel like anything is slowing down anytime soon.

My businesses are slowly but surely growing and with hard work and dedication, I will get to where I want to go. Remember when we used to sit on the bench at school and talk about our futures and what we wanted to do and stuff… guess that is not going to happen. You were supposed to be here with me. You were supposed to do all this stuff with me and decide where to go from college. But I guess you are with me in spirit.

I went to school yesterday with Natalia. Was the first time I have seen your tree this year. It has grown so much! the leaves are bright green and the tree is tall. Made me smile to see it so big it is and made me stop and breathe and think… We were never the type of people who had patience for fake people and falseness so why the hell do I have those people in my life right now? I have been so closed minded to what has been going on around me. I have forgotten to look and stop to smell the roses. Sam has his learners! my little brother is driving and Natalia, OMG Ry you would be so proud of her. I know I am. She is driving well and she is doing what she loves. She talks with such passion and dedication. I am one proud sister. And then of course Shish: She is dancing like a demand! Like doing all these contests and stuff. She is going far. She is probably going to Germany to dance. How awesome is that! I have not taken the time to grasp all these things because I just don’t want either of them to grow up I guess but they are and they loving the journey. They not so brave every now and again but I guess that is what I am here for.

Friends, wow umm I am not sure what to say about them. Most of them are beyond fake and self-centred. I just cannot believe that it has taken me this long to realise that they are not there for me like I am or was for them but you know what, I have got the most amazing support system you can imagine and I would not want anything different. I don’t need those other people in my life. I just have the right amount of people who love and care for me as much as I do them.

That is about it for now Ry. I love you and I miss you a lot. Hope you are drinking enough for me.


I miss you

Hey guys

This time of the year is always hard for me as it is the last time I saw Ryan. The last time I ever saw him was New Years eve and we partied into New Years. Now Ryan and I always used to get excited about things 4 months before it happened so we had been talking about this party for a month before it even happened. This time three years ago, we were planning on who will be taking and what we will be drinking and how much and what dance moves we were going to do. We spoke about everything!

The day finally came and I got to his house, my boyfriend at the time took us and then we landed up at this house party. Was the most amazing house I had ever seen! We danced and drank and people were beginning to do all weird stuff so Ryan and I went outside and sat on the front door step, drank a Brutal Fruit and spoke about life and what we were going to do to make the next year a better place. I will never forget that conversation for as long as I live! He made me promise not to hate anyone. We weren’t born to hate, we were taught to hate and no matter what a person does to you, that is not a good enough reason to hate one of G-D’s creations. From that day on, I have kept the promise for both of us. I do not hate anyone! nor do I want to hate anyone. Things happen for a reason, good and bad and Ryan was a firm believer in this.

I write this post with tears in my eyes and love in my heart. Ryan changed my life for the better and even though I only got a short few years with him, he has made a mark in my heart that will never disappear. He made me realize the value of people and how if I believe that one person should be there, they will be. This is a very hard thing for me to write about but I need people to know what an amazing man he was and it is because of him that I have a positive outlook with people.

I don’t really plan things in detail anymore because of what happened to him after. I do plan but not so much and not so in-depth. This is the reason why. Every New Years I try have brutal fruit for us and on the day he died, I drink a spin…

Love you lots Ryan and I really miss you!


Today it all ends

Hey guys

Today my mother is wearing my uniform. Last time she wore it, was Ryan’s last birthday party he ever had and today is also the day of his court case.

So today justice will be done! On the 5th of January 2011, My first high school boyfriend/best friend was killed. Today is the last court session whereby they will decide what punishment is best suited for his murderer. Today the long and stressful road ends… Or does it?

As I sit and wait to hear what the judge says, I cannot help but wonder how it is going to feel once it is all over? Will it feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders or will I feel empty? No matter what happens today, it will not change the fact that Ryan is gone. I am not someone who has the best memory. Sure I remember the important things like promises I make and days that changed my life or made me feel like a million bucks but that day I got the first message, I remember as if it was yesterday.

I can tell you the exact spot I read the message, where my body became jelly, the tone in my friend’s sister’s voice, I can even tell you what I was wearing. I remember that day so clearly and yet I cannot remember the rest of the week. Don’t know what happened at his funeral or Prayers. I don’t remember what his room looks like and sometimes on a really bad day, I cannot remember his voice. But then my hands go cold and I will smile. His hands were always cold and in winter, they will be purple and blue. I always used to mock him but he would tell me he is warm blooded so its ok. He was right.

Important things I remember and that’s all that matters right now. So I have no idea how I will feel in a few hours but I do know that whatever happens, is meant to happen and as Ryan would say ‘Shit happens but I smile anyway’ He always made me see the silver lining and I continue to do that because somewhere in that silver lining, he is smiling and watching over me… I found a white feather in my exam paper today. Makes you think doesn’t it?…


I need you to understand

Feathered masks, crazy outfits… everyone is getting dressed up for our Jewish Holiday Purim. This is meant to be a happy time where smiles are shared, jokes are said and comments are made on the family who dressed up as rabbits but for me, this time is like a nightmare that I relive every single year…

The last Purim party I ever went to was Ryan’s because his birthday always landed around Purim. So every year he would have a dress up party or just him and I would put on a stupid hat. Today, the site of a feather mask has turned into a phobia for me in a way. As I write this post crying, I remember that night so clearly.

I wore a flesh top and jeans, I had just sprained my wrist so I had my bandage on and a white feathered mask that had beads coming down the side of it. Was my best mask ever and I loved it so much. Everyone was given a mask and the party took place on a golf course. I sat with a whole bunch of people who were a lot older than me. I sat with his sisters and the people who matriculated in 2011 as well as my soon to be boyfriend who is now my ex. My one best friend was there as well. We danced and sang and had a total jol. My mom came to pick me up in MY school uniform! She looked like a naughty school girl and as I saw her I hid under the bench with Ryan and he just sat and laughed at me as my face became blood shot red! He told my mom where I was and I hit him across the arm. Oh well I said sorry before I left and we parted… 11 months after that he passed away

So I am sorry if I am not cheery tonight and I am sorry if I am not all there but truth is: this time of year hurts like hell and something that I used to love to do is now my nightmare I relive every single year! So yes, I lose my inner clown tonight and yes I am sure I will be able to party on Purim once more but for now, its too sore. I have never said anything like this out loud but I just needed the people who I hold close to my heart to understand where I am coming from and why I have such a thing about someone wearing a mask( physically and emotionally)

Happy 21st for tomorrow Ryan… Love and miss you like mad

2 years already

Hey guys

This post is very hard for me to write. Today 2 years ago, my friend Ryan got killed. 2 drivers were dicing and went through a robot and Ryan went flying in the air and landed on the ground and CPR was done about three times on him before his heart gave in and he died.

They say that time heals all wounds. Well that is total rubbish! I can still feel my body going weak when I got the phone call to say he had died. I remember my face going hot, my muscles giving in and my lips going cold. I remember putting my best friend’s jersey on and that was it, I had gone numb. I was the last friend that Ryan ever saw and that is a true honor. Ryan was the type of person who made people smile regardless of what was going on in their life at that time. I still live out the promise I made him on New Years. He told me I am not allowed to hate anyone because they made me who I am today. So no matter how much a person hurts me, I do not hate them because they taught me some lesson.

Time does not take the pain away. There are still days where I want to call him and tell him what happened to me that day or ask him for help. Ryan was my advice giver, my first high school boyfriend, my best friend and my rock. Because of this, I did Matric for him and me. He did not get the chance to finish school so I did it for us both and I will live my life with him in mind so that he gets to do it as well.

I take one day at a time. Some days are good and others I wish I could just stare into his big blue eyes whilst he tell me everything is going to be ok and I must just hang in there. My thoughts are with his parents and sister today. Love you guys

Love you lots Ryan and miss you tons bro. RIP


HappyNew Year!!!


Happy New Year Everyone:)

My new year’s resolution is simple, I need to stay true to myself. There is no use in losing what I have become this year because I have turned into the person I want to be.

This year has been beyond hard! Dealing with Ryan’s death, losing family members, matric was one of the biggest roller-coasters of my life and heartbreak but you know what, it was not all that bad.
I did matric for Ryan and me and I am proud to say I passed with good marks. I spent two years working my butt off to get to where I am today in terms of my education and all the hard work has paid off. As for my emotions when it comes to Ryan, every single day is different. There are days when I really need to speak to him and I miss him so much that it hurts but then I also get the days where I know what he would say to me and I would look up at the sky and smile because I know he is proud of me and he knows I will make the right decision. My uncle Abe is not suffering anymore. He taught me that I must not give up no matter how hard the fight may seem. As for heartbreak, well I’m a heartbreak survivor and I have learnt my lesson! I know now that guys are creatures us girls cannot live without but that does not mean that you must let them take advantage of you. We are princesses and deserve to be treated like one.

As much as I love New Years, I cannot help but feel sad. For you see, today two years ago was the last time I got to see Ryan. I was his last friend he ever saw and I am very honoured I got to spend his last New Years with him. Today, as I looked up at the sky, the clouds moved away from the moon as I thought about him and when I stopped, the clouds covered the moon and the stars came out. Was the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen.

2012 gave me a lot. It showed me who my true friends are and who were there just to tag along on the ride of Matric. But the thing I am most grateful for is: it brought me so much closer to my lil sis. This year was a very very bumpy trip. There were huge obstacles to overcome and mountains to climb but we did it together and we are stronger now than ever. I know that 2013 will bring me even closer to her and I thank G-D for her every single day because without her, I would not have been able to get through this year.

Friends come and go but family is forever! Blood means nothing. If the person is there for you and loves you like family, then they are family.

Thank you all for supporting me and my blog this past year and I wish you all the best for 2013. May all you dreams and wishes come true. May you have health, wealth and happiness in the near future and many many more years to come.

Speak to you all soon

21 months

Today 21 months ago Ryan was killed. Scary to think how much time has passed since then and how much has happened.

I am at the stage of my life where 1 set of exams are all I need to over come before I can enter the big bad world of working and college. Ryan was not given the chance to be in my position and this thought saddens me a lot. To think that he spent his whole life in school and never got the chance to see if he would make it out there in the ugly juggle we all call reality and life, brings tears to my eyes.

Every chance I get to honor his memory I do. At my Matric dance, I danced for him. My first day of Matric, I went to our room and I just sat there and thought of what it would be like if he was with us all today. Before I write my finals, I will go to our room at school for one of the last times and I will sit there, cry and remember… I will remember how he used to scare me in the morning but I could not get mad because he would flash me one of his smiles. I will remember the day we hid in the girls’ bathroom and we heard someone coming so my friends and I just left Ryan there on his own to fend for himself. I will shed a tear for every tear he wiped of mine and I will smile knowing he is looking down at me smiling whilst his big blue eyes tell me everything is going to be ok I just need to hang in there.

21 months have passed and yet I can still picture his so clearly and as I do I get all choked up and shed a tear or cry a river because even though time has passed my wounds still feel fresh and still sting.

Ryan, you were my boyfriend, you were my first aid partner and most importantly, you were my best friend and rock.

I love you and miss you so much it hurts.



Young,brave lion

By: Ashlee Zlotnick

Staring out the window,
I remember a memory so clear.
I knew exactly what I wanted.
I knew who I was and my career.

I was a friend.
Someone’s lover and a mentor.
I was an older sister
and I hope not a bore.

5 years later
I am still a sister and friend
but now I need to rely on your memories
to help me get through what’s around the bend.

As I continue with life
I carry you in my heart.
Whether I’ at school,dancing
or putting your favourite chocolate in the cart.

I hope you are looking down at me
because often I look up at you Ryan.
You always used to protect me…
Time to fend for myself. R.I.P my young, brave lion.

Innocence lost

By:Ashlee Zlotnick

Today they’ll stand before you
and look you in the eye.
Today they’ll stand before you
and ask how the hell and why?

Why did you
speed that day?
Why did you
drive off as he lay?

Lay there like
a stiff board.
Lay there like
an ice-cold sword.

are merely giant knives.
end innocent lives.

Lives we will never
get back.
Lives we will never
place in a black sack!

Today they’ll look at a killer,
the man who took their son.
Today they’ll look at a killer
as he pays for what he has done.


By: Ashlee Zlotnick

Time for a flashback…
Let’s take a trip down memory lane.
This journey I do promise, is meaningful.
Take my hand and hop onto the plane.

A couple of years ago,
I was sitting with you are your event.
You promised me you would be at mine.
Obviously some promises are meant to be bent.

We danced,sung, laughed and joked
and I got to meet the girl you liked.
This dream of ours was nice
but it got a bit spiked.

two years later, it was my turn
and you were there in a way…
I had a drink for us two.
I hope your soul rests in peace where you lay.

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