Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

Everyone has a breaking point

Good evening all you gorgeous viewers…

Time to get serious: Life is hard at the best of times. Work and studying and just everything in general. Makes life a complete challenge… a challenge we all believe that we don’t need at times. Sometimes it would just be nice if everything went smoothly and without issues but then we get hit with yet another curve ball… pressure

Too little pressure, you not motivated enough, too much pressure you tend to find your breaking point very fast. I found mine not so long ago… I have been pushed to my limit and at times, it feels like I have been pushed off the edge. I need to get good marks, be a good sister, be a good girlfriend, be a good friend.. be a good thing and that and the list just does not end… And then another curve ball comes me way… Sit back and accept.

Now for those of you who know me and my writing will know that I am a very patient person when it comes to people. Well people I like. Lately I have had to accept a lot. I finish this year, my brother finishes this year, I have lost yet another group of friends, I probably won’t be friends with many people from college, I have to start thinking about an adult future… That is a lot to accept, And then I get asked to sit back and accept being left out. Now I am a very stubborn, hardheaded person. Once you put an idea in my head, it takes a lot to remove it. Once I fight with someone over something, I will very seldom go towards the thing that makes me fight. Just feels like a bad vibe with bad energies around it. Doesn’t that makes sense? You fight over it so surely there is something negative around it… I hope you did not think that was the last curve ball cause now you see, you have to juggle. I want tricks, and flips and you are not allowed to drop a ball… Bingo… Breaking point

Handling one at a time is very easy. I can do it in my sleep. Juggling I am also good at. My life is balanced. I find time for everyone. Its my super power. But you see, problem comes in when I’m juggling and it feels like one ball is too heavy and my arms get sore and I miss the catch. I do tend to break… Smash a mirror enough times and it will shatter. That’s what has happened to me. I have shattered. I am no longer juggling because I am tired. I am tired of just accepting, I am tired of pressure and I am tired. Everyone has a breaking point. Everyone can ask for something, even if it is selfish… The juggler gets a chance too.

But I am the juggler, the fixer, the doer. So I will pick up all my balls, take a deep breath and juggle yet again…

Till next time

Ash

I need you to understand

Feathered masks, crazy outfits… everyone is getting dressed up for our Jewish Holiday Purim. This is meant to be a happy time where smiles are shared, jokes are said and comments are made on the family who dressed up as rabbits but for me, this time is like a nightmare that I relive every single year…

The last Purim party I ever went to was Ryan’s because his birthday always landed around Purim. So every year he would have a dress up party or just him and I would put on a stupid hat. Today, the site of a feather mask has turned into a phobia for me in a way. As I write this post crying, I remember that night so clearly.

I wore a flesh top and jeans, I had just sprained my wrist so I had my bandage on and a white feathered mask that had beads coming down the side of it. Was my best mask ever and I loved it so much. Everyone was given a mask and the party took place on a golf course. I sat with a whole bunch of people who were a lot older than me. I sat with his sisters and the people who matriculated in 2011 as well as my soon to be boyfriend who is now my ex. My one best friend was there as well. We danced and sang and had a total jol. My mom came to pick me up in MY school uniform! She looked like a naughty school girl and as I saw her I hid under the bench with Ryan and he just sat and laughed at me as my face became blood shot red! He told my mom where I was and I hit him across the arm. Oh well I said sorry before I left and we parted… 11 months after that he passed away

So I am sorry if I am not cheery tonight and I am sorry if I am not all there but truth is: this time of year hurts like hell and something that I used to love to do is now my nightmare I relive every single year! So yes, I lose my inner clown tonight and yes I am sure I will be able to party on Purim once more but for now, its too sore. I have never said anything like this out loud but I just needed the people who I hold close to my heart to understand where I am coming from and why I have such a thing about someone wearing a mask( physically and emotionally)

Happy 21st for tomorrow Ryan… Love and miss you like mad
R.I.P