It’s hard to talk about how you feel. It’s harder to accept how you feel. Worst of all, how do you figure out how you feel? You need to figure that out before you can accept and begin to deal with how you feel inorder for you to heal.
2 weeks ago I got a phone call that made my blood turn cold and my skin turn white. It was so unexpected that I did not know how to react let alone cope. 24 year old. He was only 24 and lost the battle with addiction. How can something as small as a little pill be so powerful and life threatening? Small really is powerful. Molecules we can’t see with our naked eye, keeps us alive. So in essence, makes sense how something so small can dictate life…
What do you say to the family? I wish you long life, sorry for your loss, no regrets… How is that comforting? You walk behind this box that contains the family’s prize possession. Almost like the unique diamond that is owned by only one person or a painting without a duplicate. There is only one… Or so there was only one…
After the longest walk of their life, you arrive at a hole in the ground hoping that they don’t fall in or jump in after this precious box. THUMP THUMP THUMP. Your soul sinks into your shoes, tears roll down your face and your heart seems to break into thousands of pieces as you hear the father cry out in pain. Not a dry eye in site as family members confess their regrets out loud… I am sorry I failed you and was not able to help you in your time of need!
Slowly but surely you walk away and as their cries get softer, your thoughts get louder. Only problem is you have no idea what your thoughts are. Are you happy that he is no longer suffering and having this constant battle in his life or are you sad and horrified by the whole event? How do you come back from this? How do you learn to cope? Are you so angry at the fact that he could be so selfish or was it an accident? These are all just questions… Questions you will never get the answers to.
Time goes by so slowly and yet seems to fly. The pain takes long to go away however memories and voices seem to fade quickly. It all just does not make sense… How do you feel? How can you put into words your shock and disbelief? People come up and ask you so how you doing and and truth is you have got no idea! Because fact of the matter is you buried someone who meant something to you, and you do not believe that you should have done it in the first place!
I am 21 years old. I have buried my best friend, and now a brother figure. That’s not right. And how does this all make me feel? When I figure it out I will let y all know. How to you cope and move on from it all? You don’t move on, you don’t forget, you learn to live with the pain and giant gap where he used to stand.
He is a soul that has been lost but not forgotten.
Please guys, addiction is a serious problem that can have and does have effects on everyone around you. Get help before it’s too late. It does not make you weak in anyway, makes you strong and brave. Admitting You have a problem and need help is the first step. There will always be people around to love and support you.
Take what I am saying to heart,
Ash
Ashlee Zlotnick
Poetsandall's Blog 