Posts Tagged ‘college’

Scrambled eggs… as thoughts

Hello all my gorgeous viewers and welcome to the amazing world called my brain…

Ok, so it is not that amazing but hey, I got your attention. Right time to get down to business… I finish my diploma in 2 weeks. I cannot really say that out loud because my household or close people don’t really seem to want to talk about it. They try to, they will bring up next year or what am I going to do to celebrate but no-one really seems to want to talk about the now. How am I feeling now, what am I going to do now? The answer… I have no idea.

Next: You know that allowing little green thing that pops into your life every once in awhile at the most annoying times? The time whereby you really do not need him. Yes we all know that hated feeling called jealousy. Not much to say really except for the fact that when you tend to feel insecure about something, the green monster shines brighter than the Nelson Mandela bridge. It is as if he has been practicing his whole life for this one moment… “Ok I am ready… To make life complicated and moments horrible and awkward” That is exactly what it feels like. And then loan-behold you are stuck in this moment trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings but the truth of the matter is, you are sick and tired of having to share what is yours. Barney isn’t always right… surely?

Ladies and gentleman my solution to all this… drown myself is work. Always fixes stuff for me. Just focus on something else. The art of distraction as they say… But truth of it all, you cannot keep running. Sometimes you need to face this green monster and allow your own inner monster to shine even brighter… So no more running or trying to hide…

I am finishing in 2 weeks and I am scared as hell however I have worked really hard the past 3 years and I deserve to be finished. I feel proud and like I have conquered this giant hill called college. Moving on to bigger and better things…

Hope you all have an amazing week filled with accomplishments and life changing thoughts.

Ash

xxx

Advertisements

Time to speak up

Hey guys

Past few days, not so fun. I have not written because truth is I am not sure how to write what I am feeling but after today, I am filled with rage that everything is going to come out in one piece. So stand by

College has been interesting. I have had more fights and arguments the past few weeks than I think I have ever had in my life. Not only from college but from my family life as well. I feel as if nothing I am saying or doing is good enough at the moment and that is tearing me up inside. I hate fighting and arguing but that is all that I see to be around at the moment. I feel like I just need to break out of this black cloud. Let me start from the beginning… Some people just do not accept any advice you give them. Good or bad. Then you go tell them what they need to do and they start to scream at you and just never stops. I shut up then because I knew I could not be unprofessional and scream at someone in front of my clients.

My great uncle killed himself two days go. I don’t even know where to begin with feeling anything. Truth is this is not the first suicide in my family so I have dealt with it before but this one just feels different for some reason. He was a very special man because he used to take my dad every Sunday to racing. If he did not do that, my parents would not have met each other. So I owe a lot to this man. He lived in America so I did not get to see him very often but I would try speak to him and his family at least once a week. Last time I spoke to his family was on Sunday. Scary how one second people can seem ok to you and the next they not. Mental problems are very hard to overcome and even harder to realize what is going on with that person. I take my hat off to shrinks out there because to get people to not pull the trigger is a very big thing.

Right, next issue: Today a girl in my college started to pore her heart out to me about how I don’t do things right and how I take possession of people and situations. Ok how I did not hit this child I have got no idea but truth of the matter is I kept quiet because I am more hurt by her than she thinks and talking to her won’t solve anything because it goes in the one ear and out the other. See, we came from the same group and after school, that entire group just forgot about me. They would all go out and exclude me. Don’t like me, that is just fine but then don’t pretend you just forgot or make up some shit excuse. This girl claims that she always stands up for me and all that jazz but I know she doesn’t and that’s ok. However, my issue is the fact that she bad mouths people in that group and that is not ok. If you feel they are so mean and stupid, don’t be around them! simple as that. No-one forces anyone to do anything they don’t want to do.

So I am done keeping quiet now. I am tired of fighting and I am tired of not being there.

Ash
xxx

Second year

Hello all my gorgeous viewers

Here we are again, beginning of a new year with new opportunities and challenges. I am very excited for this year in terms of college because this is the year I find my feet. Let me explain.

This year I get to do things for myself. I get to run a salon and learn stuff that is going to be a challenge for me. I can’t do stuff that does not make me think. I get bored too quickly. That is why I always need to keep busy and so on. I choose my majors and minors this year and that is very exciting for me. End of this year, I will be a qualified Somotologist. How crazy is that!? The thing I have been dreaming of will come true end of this year please G-D and then I specialise. Ok so that is a very scary thought. Time waits for nobody! and if you not ready, the train will leave with or without you so I guess I need to ready because if I wasn’t, I would not be at the train station waiting for this train.

It has been a hard couple of months and the next few are going to be harder because I need to choose the train. My little sister started first year today and I am watching her get onto her train scared as anything but ready for the ride. It is not an easy thing for an older sibling to watch their younger siblings grow up but like I said, time waits for no-one so you need to get on and be there for them when they need you.

My brother is in grade 11 and getting his learners licence this year and will be applying for university soon and my poor heart is not coping with them growing up. BUT I am happy for them because they will get to follow their dreams just like I am doing right now and they will do amazingly well this year. My Shmoobear is also growing up. Grade 9 now and full of shit! But I love her lots.

So, new trains, new experiences and challenges but same old family. They just more grown up now. I guess so am I. I need to be grown up to cope with them growing up and I need to get my ducks in a line so that I can be there for them even when my life is changing. Matric you have to choose your course, I now need to choose my direction for my career and that is not an easy thing to do. My choices is going to disappoint some people and make other people feel like they have won and were right all along but truth is: I need to do this for me. I need to choose the directions I can live with and be happy about… What will I choose, I am not so sure right now but what I am sure about is where I need to be and that is right here for my siblings. That is my choice.

I want to wish everyone good luck for the year and their studies. May you all reach your dreams and never give up! If you want it enough, you will find a way to have it.

Love
Ash
xxx

I am back!

Good evening all my gorgeous viewers!

I am sorry I have not posted but I have been away and took a break from my laptop but I have still been writing and I will post my poems soon but tonight it is time to fill you all in and maybe you can learn a thing or two from my mistakes.

Firstly: I am very proud of my Shmoobear and her other half as they have both been asked to join a hip hop group that will compete in a contest to go to Germany. Pretty cool stuff so I am very proud of them! Also, my little sister passed matric with flying colours and I am very proud of her. She worked her ass off and got the marks that she deserves and I have all the faith in her that she will do even better this year in University. As for my brother, his marks were also very good and I;m proud of him too. I finished first year with 8 distinctions so got nothing to complain about there. Hard work and dedication gets you places in life, you just need to push through the mud to get to the waterfall.

I have always told everyone to take every opportunity that comes their way. Whether it be a relationship, job offer or anything that will benefit your life. Even if it is for a few months… Having said that, there are times in life where you just can’t take it. The bad outweighs the good and it is just not worth losing what you will lose to get a year or two in some other place. Sometimes, not taking it is what will work better for you. It is all a balancing act and you just got to know when to let go of the opportunity and when to hold on no matter what. No need to regret anything because you will gain something better or sustain something that means the world to you.

This holiday, I have had a lot of thinking time. I have thought about all my options, where I want to be, where I want to go and who I want to go there with. My conclusion: my family is my life! They mean more to me than anything. My studies is where I need to be in terms of a job someday. Making people feel better and good about themselves makes me happy. Nothing better than a smile on your face and a fuzzy feeling in your heart but what makes it better is when it is placed there because you have made someone’s day better. I know where everyone says I should be is wrong because I know where I NEED to be and it is right here!

I can’t change who I am. I am as stubborn as they come and I make people angry with me at times because I tell things how they are. I am a Taurus, sorry:P BUT I will never be sorry for protecting my family and I will never be sorry for my paths I chose because at the end of the day, it has made me who I am today. So yes you can use my past against me but I don’t care. My past has made me realise who I don’t want to be! and who I can and can’t mix with. I am who I am and I am proud of it

Be proud of who you are! because you are the only person in the world who can be you…

Have a great year guys and thank you for sticking with me
Much Love
Ash
xxx

People change

Hey guys

For those of you who follow my blog will know that I am a fan of change. I feel that it is important for things to grow and in order to grow, they need to change. I have been out of school for a year next week Friday and so much has changed since then it is scary! I can handle change but some things I honestly thought would never change…

When I got into High school, Timor made me do something that changed the way I thought about my future. If it wasn’t for her, I would never have done first aid or looked at going into Medical school or do some form of medicine. She pushed me to do something and because of her, I realised how much I enjoy learning about the body and how it functions. I have had lots of fun, sweat and tears because of first aid and even though people tried to bring me down because I was the only girl doing it, I tried to follow in Timor’s footsteps and be the best first aider I could be. I did not get what I wanted at the end because some people did not believe I could do it and it hurt me a lot BUT I left that school with my head held high and I have this inner fire that gives me the drive and determination I need to prove them all wrong! To date, my marks for anatomy are one of the highest and I am nowhere close to reaching my full potential. So thank you Timor for showing me what I can do and for believing in me that I can do it.

I had a bit of a rocky patch in my life and I turned my life around. It is because of that I began to see the change in people and began to believe that people can change for the better however your past still has a hold on you sometimes. Sometimes the past you comes out for a bit and that is when you realise that people cannot always change. They wear a mask that hides who they really are or hides behind technology because it is easier than facing people. People from my past are still in my life but I don’t do what I used to do anymore. So I have changed for the better but there are times when the old me wants to come out and I have to learn to control it.

Next: Friends… I can very easily say that I have lost 75% of my school friends in the past year. When I got to high school, I changed groups and lost that entire group due to in house politics. I then moved on to other friends, friends that have been in my life since I was born and nursery school. My very best friend told me that we would be there for each other no matter what and we made all these plans to meet for lunch in between uni and college and that we would see each other a lot. She went on holiday to Israel and came back a totally different person and now, I haven’t spoken to her at all! No lunch dates, no partying, nothing and today I found out that my old group got together this past weekend and didn’t invite me. Feeling the love…NOT! I guess there is nothing I can do. People change and move on, guess it is my chance to move on.

My family members have changed to. My little brother is no longer little and he is talking about applying to University and driving and all of that. Shmoobear has turned into your typical teenager. The attitude with the naughty look but still has her cute look to get her out of serious trouble. Then there is my lil sis… I don’t know where to start. Matric makes people change in ways they never thought they would. It is as if matric is a bug that gets into your system and changes things without you knowing. Makes you grow up and want to experience things with every aspect of life. It gets you ready for what lies ahead and I know that she can handle it and get through it and I know she is always going to be my little sister. Just got accept that they are all growing up and so am I.

Moral of all of this is: We don’t really know what is forever in terms of friends and what is going to be right now. You have to just enjoy every second you get with people and realise that family is forever and that people come in your life to change something. Might be the way you think about your future or turning you into the best sister you can be but you also need to remember that some parts of people cannot change. Br careful of the masks people wear and sometimes people say things or don’t say things to protect you.

Ash
xxx

Need a place to belong

Hey guys. Here is a thought that has been lingering around my head for weeks now and it is time that I put it out there.

My whole school career I always had my space. It just gave me a sense of belonging. A place to go to catch my breath and to get away for 5 minutes just to recharge and to gather my thoughts.
hours
Nursery school, I used to sit in our tree house and watch the people go by as I counted to ten to calm myself down otherwise I would have bitten more than one child during nursery school.

Junior school, my best friend and I found a bench behind all the classrooms. We would go there when we were sad because we were surrounded by pretty flowers and there were no boys who were trying to kiss us. Ok, so we both had boyfriends but we needed time outs so we would go there. We would talk about our dreams and so on. I wanted to be a dustbin lady at that age. The thought of driving and making my mom run behind the truck used to kill me. Sounded perfect.

Primary school came along and my rebel stage began. We bunched class and hid in the Blind Spot. The older we got, the more professional our hiding spots got and all the people who used to bunk, would write their names on the wall. I think my name is still there.

Then high school hit and my room was created. One day my best friend and I were bunking and the student leaders were walking in and out of the bathrooms so our usual spot was compromised and we ran into a storage looking room. Ever since that day, it became our room. When he died it became my room and now its my lil sis and my room.

We became so pro at bunking. There were a bunch of us who used to bunk and we had our own bathroom stall to run into when we needed to hide. We used to draw and write on the walls and make it our own. We were so proud of our Goth Tinkerbell. Took us 4 hours!!! We bunked an assembly to do that piece of art and now it is gone(sad face)

As I got older and more involved with my marks and I actually started to care about my future, I would bunk less but I still used to go to my room during breaks or before class just to gather my thoughts and to block people out so that I could figure out what I wanted and not what my friends and teachers wanted.

Now I am at college and it’s not that I want to bunk classes that I don’t like because I am doing things I want to do but I need my space. I need to feel like I belong somewhere in this college besides for the classrooms.

My car has become my thinking space. My time to spend just with my little sister.(yes on bbm but still) But I still need my something. I feel like I am missing a room or a garden chair but I am missing something.

I know I will find or maybe I have already found it… Truth is there is not one person in my life that I can replace. My sense of belonging comes in when my heart feels at home and in a place where it belongs. My place where I belong is with my family. My parents, 3 siblings and my grandparents. Yes my cousins too but I don’t need anything else and I am searching or was searching for something that I already have.

I am right where I need and want to be. College is a place whereby my career is going to start but not end. My heart has come from my family and it will continue to grow and love for as long as I have my family in my life.

Something to reflect on your life…

Ash
xxx

My eyes are wide open now

Hey guys

So my college took over my life for a bit but now I am back and have I got news for you…

So I seem to be getting good at this treatment giving thing. I mean, I have been chosen to work at the annual ProBeauty which is this huge convention whereby all the big brands in our beauty industry put on a show and they show off all their new products and have big sales and I am just so excited to be going there! Not only am I working there but I get to go with my lil sis and my mom as well. So it is going to be lots of fun.

Last week I was very self centred and I did not like it one bit. I put the wrong people first and that did not make me feel very nice… My lil sis decided to turn 18 and get her learners all in a space of a few days. My poor heart cannot handle so much growing up at once but I am very proud of her and she has become an astonishing woman and I am very proud to call her my little sister.

Speaking of sisters, my older two have now got a new little sister and I felt very replaced today when I saw them. I love them a lot but today I felt like I did not really know them because this other chic was going on about how she knows this and that and I’m like oh that is nice… never knew that. Anyway, it really is ok but my eyes are now open to what is important to me in my life at the moment. They still there for me and I promise you all right now that if I had to call them to come and fetch me, they really would.

My school best friend and I don’t talk at all anymore and I am ok with that to an extent. I knew this was coming deep down but I did not want it to happen. Everything happens for a reason and I believe in this 100% People come and go and a few stay. The ones that stay are the ones that will be there when you need them during the bad times not only the good. My family are the people that I need in my life and the rest can come and go. Sometimes I feel as if I am a railway station and trains come and go with new and old people but there are those few who are there always and that is all that I need in my life.

I have been out of school for 8 months now and I am starting a business and working for other people but that doesn’t satisfy me completely. What puts a smile on my face and makes me feel whole is coming home to a family that loves me and going to my lil sis and watching how excited she gets when she gets to paint my nails or plat my hair. Things like that is what makes my life worth living! Not money or how big my room is. Its my family and making people happy and that makes me very proud to be me.

My Pa always used to tell me ” At the end of the day all you really have is your name” Now this is something that he always told me and that is something that I keep with me to this day. At the end of the day, I want to think of me and say that I was good at my job because I made them happy and I want my 3 siblings to think of the good times we have and that when they needed me, I was always there. This is what is important to me and if you not ok with that, well then I am sorry but money means nothing if you don’t have someone to go shopping with.

Have a great weekend
Ash
xxx

Exams are over!

Hey guys:)
So here it is… my first college exams are over! I survived them and now my brain is fried. Sitting in my bed, thinking of what is going on in my head I realised what my problem has been.

For the first time, I have not ended school on the same day as my siblings. Sure, whilst I was in matric, my exams were different but we would always start on the same day and end the same time. Now, I get to spend the next week or two on my own whilst my siblings are at school. Also, I did not spend my day with my little sister and that upset me a lot. I spent my day with college friends and in a body expo. Was lots of fun and I had a blast but I felt as if something was missing today.

Ryan did not get to feel the way I did today either. Placing the pen on the desk, getting up with a grin on my face, signing that I wrote the exam and walked out with a feeling of relief and as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. See, college exams are different. They count for the rest of your life so there is more pressure on you. Guess I just have to get used to it and be ok with starting and ending at different times and dates.

The people who mean everything to me are there for me and are still there after school. I have my guy friends and my little sister, honestly I don’t need more than her. She completes my family. Love you lots little one xxx

So today was a good day and overall, I enjoyed it but a piece was still missing.

Love
Ash
xxx

P.S. Check out my new section which I will be launching soon
xxx

Mom in school uniform and I am all grown up…

Hey guys

Been awhile I know and I am sorry but truth is I just have not had the brain to write lately. I am not sure why. I guess I just have not had the inspiration to write or the courage to show myself how I was or am really feeling.

About five minutes ago my mother came to me and asked me for my school uniform because they are all going to work in school uniforms. My heart got flooded with about a thousand emotions. I have not warn my school uniform since the last exam I wrote in school uniform which was the 21st of November 2012. HOW SCARY IS THAT???? Anyway back to my heart. The thought of her in my uniform and me not in it is actually making me sad. I hung up my uniform last year and I have now got a new one which I will be wearing for the rest of my life. Well the style of it anyway. So as I place my matric jersey on, I get flooded with memories. stories, tears I shared, tears I caused and of course my roots. Took me 12 years to get that jersey and it took forever to get it but was taken from me quickly. I now see the new matrics in their jerseys and I cannot help but smile because I know what it feels like to wear it. Gives you a sense of pride and achievement. So for the first time this year my uniform will be warn tomorrow but not by me…

College is very hard at the moment. I am loving it very much and the challenge is fun but I guess I am just missing being little. I miss my school friends chilling by our table, laughing or walking around in a circle for no reason. I miss my Friday songs that we would write and picking flowers to rip apart in front of my little sister. I miss her hugs every morning and her smile when I am down. I spoke to an old class mate today. She was saying how weird it is not being in each other’s pockets and knowing every little detail. She said something that we just need to get used to this new life of ours and deal with the loss of some friendships. I don’t talk to most people from my school year and when I see them in a shop, we talk as if we never left. And then it hits me

No matter how much time my grade spends apart, we will always be Matric 2012! We will always have a tie to each other and we can still talk as if we were back in the same class. Truth of the matter is no matter how far apart we are or how old we get, we will always have the same roots and always be a Davidian. I am now just adding on to who I am. I am a health and skin care specialist in training and loving every moment. Still have the clicks in college and the bitches and nerds. I still love to party and I am still the person everyone turns to when they need a quick answer or someone to listen to them. Difference is: Instead of me hugging my sister in the morning, I bbm her and sit in my car whilst listening to our Torch. People know not to bug me in the morning when I am in my car because it is my time with my sister. I don’t get to see my school friends as much anymore but we get together as often as possible and we get to catch up and learn new things and get to hear how their lives are. When I am with them, feels like we still in school because we can still talk rubbish and they all comment the same way that they used to.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the paths I have chosen and how they have effected my life. I have been saying the what if’s and if I chose this instead of that where would I be right now? Truth is I would not change a thing! I am a big sister to three amazing little siblings and they will always be little in my eyes. The paths I have chosen have allowed me to advise them on the do’s and don’ts because I have been down the wrong path and I have given into peer pressure and so on. I do not regret anything in my life and I know I can only get stronger.

So as my mom get’s into my school uniform, I will be getting into my college uniform and as weird and sad as it is, at least the uniform that got me through hell and gave me my sister, it can have one last journey.

Ash
xxx

Been hit by a ton of bricks

Hey guys

So I have just come home from an exam and the last time I wrote a post with the same topic, I was in school and now I am in college. Lets have a flashback shall we…

Last year I was in matric. One of the most intense years of my life and the hardest year or high school(sorry lil sis) but it is true. Matric was hard not because of work but because I had to be ok with leaving people behind. I am still not ok with that but nothing I can do about that. I used to walk around in circles, have lunch in the same spot everyday unless I was in my room which I miss like you have no idea! and of course I used to have moments with people. I left behind memories and land marks that will be there for the rest of my life. Exams were pretty chilled. I never stressed for them. Half way through the exam I would watch the children playing on the field and remember when I was that small. We used to play tag and Gaga Ball. Fun times. And as I was writing I would begin to smile because I was now watching children go through the amazing times I went through. Where I wrote finals, there was an area on top of the hall where my lil sis and I met and begin to talk. That thought got me through finals because I knew I was in the land mark that made my life amazing and that is where I found my torch, soul sister, other half and my muse. But I am no longer writing finals and I am no longer in that hall where I feel safe and I feel love.

Lucky for me, I am now writing in a room where I freeze my fingers off, get shouted at for having my lip ice on the table and a room where I have no memories or life changing moments in it… YET! I still sit at the back and have a window by my desk except now I am looking at a dying tree and the roof of the teacher’s office. Nice view right. Wait it gets better. I have a woman who watches my every move. When she walked in and started to scream I felt better for some weird reason. You see, during matric exams, there was a chic who stood on the stage and shouted and dictated. College exams started to feel like matric finals and I felt better. We got answer booklets and the nerves filled the room and I smiled. And then a change happened… I finished the exam before I looked out the window or even the watch. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually care about the exam bit now! Since when do I care about marks??? ME! The one who studys the night before or the morning of( I still do that) but today I finished before I stopped to think about anything. Then my one finger began to itch and I realised who and why I care now. I don’t want to let people down. This career of mine is my passion and I want to do this for the rest of my life and my muse believes in me so I can’t let her down. I will try my best not to anyway.

Without even realising it I began to write a poem at the end of my exam question paper. I am still me:D I just care about marks a bit more now. In stead of seeing my lil sis after my exam, I bbmed her( Thank G-D for technology that is all I am saying) No it is not the same but she is still there. After school they all say that you learn who will be there for life and who was there just because you were in the same area or class as them. Turns out they right! As sad and scary as it is, people show their true colours after school. Now is the time where you have to make the effort to see each other because you are no longer in the same room.

The room is different, my mind set is different and the subjects are different but the one thing that is the same is the one person who has always been there. Today during my exam I realised how much my little sister means to me and how lucky I am to have her in my life. I may not see her as often as I did but she is the most important person in my life. She is my other half and that will never change!!!

So that is my teary story for the day. Have a good day guys

Love
Ash
xxx

« Previous entries